Spring in the UK is a psychological experiment. Is it warm? No. Is it sunny? Briefly, between hailstorms. But the daffodils are out, and we are legally required to be optimistic. Here are the tools for coping with the dampest season.
The British attitude to Spring is one of frantic preparation for a Summer that might never arrive. We buy barbecue coal in April "just in case." We plant seeds that will inevitably drown. It is a beautiful delusion.
This list honors that delusion. It contains the items that bridge the gap between "Winter Depression" and "Summer Anxiety." It covers the two main pillars of the season: "Pretending to Exercise" and "Dealing with the Rain."
1. Gritin Resistance Bands (Set of 5)
"I'll join a gym," you say. You won't. You will buy these bands, use them twice in your living room while watching Come Dine With Me, and then put them in the drawer with the spare batteries. They cost less than a round of drinks, so the guilt is minimal.
2. Schwarzkopf LIVE Deep Black Hair Dye
New season, new you? Or did you just go through a breakup and decide to channel your inner goth? This dye is permanent, much like your regret might be if you don't think this through. But if you're committed to the void, this is the good stuff.
The Verdict: The aesthetic reset.3. Maybelline Sky High Mascara
It rains in spring. A lot. If your mascara isn't up to the task, you will look like a sad panda by 11am. This one stays put and makes your lashes look long enough to bat away the raindrops.
The Verdict: The rain repellent.4. Nikwax Tech Wash & TX.Direct
You live on an island in the North Atlantic. Your coat stopped being waterproof three years ago. You are damp. Stop being damp. Wash your gear with this and reclaim your dignity on the dog walk.
There is nothing more tragic than a waterproof coat that absorbs water. It becomes a heavy, cold sponge. Restore the beading. Watch the water roll off. Feel smug.
The Verdict: The realist's choice.5. KEPLIN Natural Firelighters (200 Pack)
It's 12 degrees Celsius. You are wearing a fleece. You are determined to have a barbecue because the calendar says it's May. These firelighters will help you ignite the charcoal in the drizzle. God speed, you optimist.
The Verdict: The wet BBQ savior.6. Amazon Basics Neoprene Dumbbells (2kg Pair)
Heavy enough to feel like exercise, light enough to not injure yourself. They are coated in neoprene so they don't clang when you drop them in exhaustion after 4 reps. Also make excellent doorstops.
The Verdict: The token effort.